Lists put it all in perspective...

Some people say that I don't put enough effort into what I do to make it meaningful. Actually, quite the opposite: I just don't care. "Not enough effort" means that I could potentially give more. In fact, this whole post has come about because two weeks ago the editor of our school newspaper Commentary section recently wrote a nasty email to me because I didn't "put enough effort" into my article. Then, this week, she sent out another email, one about how she doesn't know why no one wants to write for her Commentary section.

Lists are, I hear from my editor, considered to be the least effortful of all. Some might say that's a reason not to make lists; others, including me, shall no longer do anything but make lists.


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LIST #1. Top 10 places to stick your dryer sheets. (These, supposedly, actually work.)

10. Placing a used dryer sheet in the bottom of a trash bin reduces the odors associated with trash bins. [Comment: I place plenty of used dryer sheets in the trash, and my trash still smells like trash.]

9. They will take the odors out of unused books and photo albums. [Comment: Damn those stinky books. If you're really not going to use them, you might as well just throw them in the trash bin freshened with used dryer sheets.]

8. Cleaning pet hairs. Rubbing a dryer sheet over the area will magnetically attract loose pet hair. [Comment: Everyone knows that this actually occurs because of static electricity, not magnetism. Or maybe it's up-ways gravity because the dryer sheet is so much more massive than the pet hair.]

7. Placing sheets in your sneakers overnight will help to reduce odor in the morning. [Comment: Who's going to test whether this one works or not?]

6. This one from Randy: My wife uses a dryer sheet to stroke on her hair on particularly bad hair days. The dryer sheet kills frizz-causing static. [Comment: Randy's wife also lives in a mental institution.]

5. It stops mice from entering your vehicle. [Comment: I also have some elephant repellant for you to procure.]

4. From Jill Florio of BellaOnline: Put dryer sheet in vacuum cleaner. [Comment: Step Two: buy new vacuum cleaner. Brought to you by Hoover.]

3. Place them in your dryer to freshen clothes and remove static. [Comment: Who wudda thought?]

2. Dryer sheets remove stuck-on grease. Put a dryer sheet in a dirty pan, fill with water, and let sit overnight. In the morning, sponge clean. [Comment: You'll be picking more than chicken bones out of your soup for the next week, though.]

1. Repel mosquitoes! Hang around your porch to protect against these pests. [Comment: This is how Randy's wife got sent to the mental institution. According to her neighbors, this was the last straw. I wonder if it works for bees.]

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Well, there it is. Just so you know, this warning was printed on the bottom of only one website that I looked at in coming up with this list. It might not be true, but...

"Warning: studies have shown that certain compounds in dryer sheets can be potent neurotoxins."

It might not be true, but it sure would explain a lot...